Hans Christian Anderson

When I was a child, I was drowned with storybooks galore... I have the a whole collection in which is now collecting dust in a shelf hidden in my storeroom. With my very bad habit (but I think its a good one) of having books to "accompany" my toilet time, I decided to bring one of those unfinished collections in for a flip. Out of the lot, I pick out Hans Christian Andersons collection of stories which included The Little Mermaid, Thumbelina, The Lil TinSoldier and a whole lot more...

As I read through those wonderful stories, I realised they still hold some truth in the lessons that we are still learning today. Take for example, The story of the Emporer's New Clothes. The naked truth is that we believe in what others think and no matter how foolish it was, we are blinded by the fact that we believe in even a myth than trusting our own instincts. Sad but true. We listen to what seemed to be the "acceptable view" and never even question it, worried about being the "odd one out". In this case, a child asked the most simplistic question and shamed the king and his men!

How about the story of the Fir Tree where he longed to be what he heard from the sparrow and worst, he wished that he was chopped down just so that he could "experience" what other "fir trees" have. At the end of the day it was nothing to shout about rather, it hurt him so much more... We longed to be all but ourselves and we are never grateful for who we are until we experience it but too late, we've crossed the line!

Oh and my personal favourite during puberty was "The Ugly Duckling"... I wonder if I have ever turned into swan (I hope, cross me fingers)but we all judge one another by the way someone looks don't we? We talk about their apperance not knowing whats within and they turn out to be the great and amazing people...

We have heard these stories a million times and they possess beautiful messages yet, today, these are the very lessons we fail to learn! Is it just us or is it our human nature, that we never are able to learn from our mistakes? Or is our dear author so divine that he could forsee that in us? The best part, such stories speak to me so much as a gay guy and to my suprise to find Hans Anderson a Bi!

Birthday!

Well, today happens to be my birthday... Well, only according to the Chinese calender anyway. I am born on the ninth day of chinese new year back in the days but my actual birthday is not until two weeks time. What happened was, I was wondering how should I celebrate my birthday this year. Should I go out with friends and have a good time? Or should I spend it alone?

Looking back on my previous years... I have had a birthday party when I turned 21 with just family and friends having some of the best beef in shabu-shabu style! Nothing special happened though... some didn't even turn up with presents... They all think its a party only! When I turned 20 I booked a room at Redbox and paid for my friends. Guess what, I forgot to buy my own cake... and I thought they would bring one for me... How silly... The thing is, I have attended many surprise birthday parties and well, surprisingly, no one wants to plan one for me... Does this prove I do not have enough friends or rather, ones who are close enough who wants to make the only day I have the right to be happy, be happy?

Ahh... but such were the thoughts of a young teenager... now, I have outgrown it (I am old di la!!!) and I no longer long for such surprise birthday parties and stuff. Its fun I know, but the time has come that my birthday should reflect something else than just birthday cakes, presents and such...

But this remains, what should I do for my birthday?

Sex and The City?

Well, since CNY can be a rather boring time with relatives updating each other on the events that occurred in their respective lives and extremely ingenuine concerns towards each other. I, on the hand, found it great that my Ipod Converter is able to convert DVDs into my Ipod and so I took this opportunity to get my entire collection of Sex and The City so I could finish it by the time CNY is over... (which "queer" who has a "straight" mind would do that right

I had always been a big fan of this series and I bought the entire series in China but never had the decent time to watch it... As I watched, I came upon an episode where Carrie asked the questiion, "How much sex is too much sex?" It suddenly dawned upon me. When I was 17, I had this conservative mind of not sleeping around and be monogamous and think that the world is made out of cotton candy and tied up by ribbons...

Then I realised... as I tried to count my many experiences, I suddenly realised that I would now require my toes to do the math! BOOM!!! Samantha Jones face smacked right in front of me. Oh no... I thought... Am I turning into her, I asked but is it normal anyway?

Is it normal to be sexually active? Is it okay to sleep around? and how much sex do you need before you are entitled to the title whore?

Yes... I know... Chinese New Year and I could only think about sex!!!

But it is an interesting question isn't it? Men are built for sex and if I am single, don't I have every right to enjoy my freedom? But what I discovered was that I would never look at sex as being one of those intimate moments you spend with a bf rather, a past time used to keep my "horniness" at bay! Besides, there is the whole health issue which kicks in where it would be a concern every time a condom breaks or something of that sort would occur (FYI, yours truly does not practice such unhealthy acts to the extent of not even doing it one hor!)

I love sex if you were to ask me and yes, I love being passionate in bed but will you call me a whore just because I slept with another guy for kicks??? I suppose for now, I could only blame my hormones which is raging like wild horses in my (sexy) body! But sex is fun and liberating... and yes... Abstinence, to me... solves no problem! And how about you? Yes the one reading this and now having his mind miles away into those few (or plentiful) experiences... Do you think I am a slut???

When I went to the Ball...

Twas a night filled with lights, camera and action...Literally since the theme was Hollywood meets Bollywood and we all have to look our best at the ball, cameras will flash and we all will mengada-ngada take pictures, flaunting our skills in front of the camera!


Well, initially it was pretty much a nerve wrecking night since Odie and I will be singing in the Talent time competition and we have the least practice amongst the line up for the night so we decided that we would just go up and have fun. Should you know, we were actually singing in the car park of Royal Selangor Club before we begin so that we get our words and arrangement and transitions right...

However, as we were the second up, I figured that it would not be as bad as I would have expected it since we will be able to enjoy the night after we go up and perform. Our dear lecturers and friends have been very encouraging and both of us were looking forward to win as well since the prize is RM500 cold hard cash! So we went up and did our thing. We sang a medley of 10 songs which include At Last, Fly Me To the Moon, Beautiful Girl, Kuch Kuch Hota Hei and Yue Liang Dai Biu Wo De Shing (Sorry, I have no idea what the Chinese characters are so this will have to do!)We had cheers and people participating in it and we felt damn good after that since we see a twinkle in the judges eyes...

So the night progressed with a lot more photo taking and since the food was lousy I ended up only having soup and some noodles and then, to warm meself, I had some Chivas a dash of coke!(See it's not the other way round) The best part of it all was some lecturers were auctioned to the student to raise money for Amnesty International and it was like some fish market...
Lelong..Lelong!

And as the night drew to a close... They announced the winners and yes, we won la of course... What can you say about the two power house singers in college...

And yes... I am only RM150 richer since we have to split 3 and remainder 50 bucks to our society as a sign of goodwill and mutual respect... But the dinner was like RM65 so its not that much after all!

What it feels like...

Thanks for accepting me as I am. You are a remarkable guy I feel privileged to know. But don't make people feel like you so much, it's not fair...

Those were Micheal's very words in a text message I gotten as I arrived at the train station. I stood there alone, thinking about those words. It is just so lovely to have someone say that you are a remarkable person even after we have just had a short conversation and I looked at myself.

At that moment, I realised something in me. I realised I have always lived in the shadow of someone else. Be it someone I look up to or someone I think is socially acceptable. I forgotten that being myself is not that bad. I am not particularly loathful and I always think I am a pretty decent guy. But somehow, I feel a need to be inadequate. A need to be insignificant. I need to mask my true self behind a facade of graffitised personality(s) of someone else.

In short, I have forgotten how beautiful I can be when I am myself...

A sudden rush of liberty and freedom gushed through my bones... I no longer find a need to feel socially acceptable just because I am someone else...

I just feel so...

G-LOGERIFIC

And we go Sha La La La La...

I just finished watching the very first episode of American Idol Season 8...

The talent pool is always there and as I am an avid singer, I would love to audition in that room...
I told Sammie that I constantly imagined myself singing in front of Simon Cowell and would wonder what nasty thing would happen to me...



I never audition for anything before with the likes of One in a Million, our Malaysian version of American Idol (or rather I did but didn't make it pass through the panel) but I would still persist in trying out one day for American Idol. I would be fidgetting about what song to sing and keep asking myself, "Will the judges like me?" Gosh with all these unnecessary stress I build myself, I start to ponder to something relatively near as I am performing this Sunday at Royal Selangor, I hope I won't screw up since it is my very first college prom and I don't need to screw up the chance of winning 500 bucks!!!

But that is besides the point. So, I went online to check out a few Malaysian Idol contestants, each being my source of inspiration... However, Youtube doesn't have many of these Malaysian Idol clips that consist of the better contestants. I could just find those who went in to humiliate themselves...











And there is my favourite one...



Bulgarian Idol is not to be missed if anyone of you missed!

And Then He Told Me...

Negative or Positive?

It has plagued my mind for the last few days. I curled up by the side of my bed wondering if I would soon discover one of the worst horror of my life. Sammie told me that I better do it and Bong has not been very encouraging when I relate my situation to him. In short, I was sure that I am doomed.

Last Saturday, I finally decided to head to PT Foundation. I procrastinated for a long time since i was not sure what to expect. As far as my sexual experiences has been so far, I never once had intercourse that would risk myself from being infected with HIV but still, a nagging feeling was embedded deep within me, telling me something was just not right. And of late, I have became more and more adventurous. I tried different things and met different guys.

I suppose I am becoming who I fear myself to be. A slut, a whore that sleeps around with any men who is willing to come close to where I stand. I am not afraid to admit I love being touched by a man, a tender kiss on my pink lips and unveiling of my perfectly (or imperfectly) engineered slim body and collapsing into the soft mattress, two bodies filled with passion...




Though that may sound "porny" but isn't that wht we have always longed for? The two hours or sometimes three of romance, passion and lust all mixed up into one orgasmic moment does put depressing mood swings I constantly have at bay but when I couldn't even ount the men I have a history with with my fingers (and toes), I knew I need that check up desperately.

I left that afternoon from college and arrived at the worst side of town ie Chow Kit Road. Bustling buses ran across the street rampantly while hagard looking men swarm the place in search for what may seem to be love at the corners of the street. Loud music boomed from cheap looking TV sets and there I was, looking for my way to where I was told to be not so far from the monorail station I came out of.

I finally managed to find my way through a myriad of what seemed to be shops and I went up a few flight of stairs litted by dimm lights and an eerie aura. I went into the foundation with a slim chinese boy greeting me and asked me if I was there for the first time. I confirmed it and was handed a pink file where I fille up endles Q&As, all relating to my general knowledge to HIV and AIDS.

When I am done, Andy, my counsellor took me into a room and asked some rather specific questions about my sex life and assessed me if I am ready for that test.I felt like he was going to pounce on me the next moment with his many questions... I was rather charasmatic but when he finally showed me the way the results would reflect and what if (touch wood) I got the virus, what are the next step they are gonna take. At that point in time, I could almost imagine myself explaining to my parents and going for support groups, having the foundation to take me on my weekly check ups and eating countless types of pills to get myself to live for another day.


So when he finally decided that I was ready for the check up, I was brought into another room with a rather hunky guy in it who will extract blood from me to do the chek up. I gave him my left hand and he pricked my left ring finger and a few drops of blood into the test kit. I was asked to leave and to wait for 10-15 minutes. I left and I instantly called Sammie for support, the wait caused me to be anxious and I felt like the very worst were to happen. My guts were tied in knots with butterflies fluttering all over and my heart pounded faster than ever. Soon, before I knew it, an Indian lady walked into the room to get my results and yelled a rather soft "Yes".

What does that mean?

I slowly followed her after being instructed to do so and returned to the room I was counselled. Turns out, only one strand mark the C on the test kit, signifying that I am tested Negative. I was still in shock. Not that I was not elated but I knew that only a week ago, I had anal sex or rather, someone finally intruded me for a few brief seconds. I am in the window period and god knows if I am safe but for now, I am as fit as the fiddle (or fiddler) next to me. As I shall reurn in 3 months time, I need to be thankful for being safe thus far.

Amen!