Taste of the Forbidden Fruit

John saw this video on Youtube and asked me to watch it. It poses much concern that we, Asian men, face as we live our challenging lives as gay men. The video place Asian men in the light of being in someway prejudiced by how the gay society views us as and what struggles we share. While it is comforting that what they go through are issues I am very much akin to, there are things mentioned that kept me pondering, rather, worried.

Unashamed, John and I are separated by a big age gap. We fit into what is known as the whole 'Sugar Daddy meet Toy Boy' mold perfectly. We sat in Starbucks just the other sharing our views and concerns, figuring out if we fit each other while fearing if this is some sick relationship that spun out of the fact that we are just like what was mentioned in the video.

However, we do come to the conclusion that we don't fall into the whole mature men preying on the young and defenseless. Heck, bashfully I must admit that I was the predator and not the prey when it came to how we met. If I was into money, I doubt I would be jealous about other boys and I doubt I would be in for the trouble of driving to his house to surprise him with birthday parties and stuff and buying him very expensive (to my standards) christmas presents. While I honestly believe the same applies to him as he has been very affectionate and he does put up a lot for me, pouring out not just money but time and patience knowing the Drama Mama in me.

Like any couple, we must remind ourselves we are different from that stereo-typical couple though the question that prevails continue to plague us... "Could two seemingly different people, in terms of finances, age and ethnicity could genuinely be attracted to the other person... or is he attracted to his contradictions?"

It is a journey we are embarking on but I strongly believe it is to the former, not the latter. Alas, only destiny holds the key to that of what we think, or assume as our lil conundrum.

Monogamy Sucks

It does... doesn't it?

As many may (or may not) agree, gay relationships are like the special Olympics. You have a different set of rules, different game players and the standards are lowered and you are left with a penumbra, a void in which have a few loose ends that gives you room for your personal discretion.

Stepping into our 7 month relationship, I wonder if we and John are cut out to be the golden couple. Dating someone who is a lil more mature and has financial stability (the sort where even your folks can't compete), good looks and charm that gets all the Asian boys falling from trees, it is tough not to have your fingers gripping when you are not around him.

Just the other day, we went for a stroll in KLCC and he decided to go into Body Shop and lo and behold, stood Jojo, an all chinese boy with the typical 'I-have-an-ass-for-you' smile and his hungry (bottom) eyes, putting out the strong vibe at John. John, of course, just kept it cool but as we left the place, he turned back and gleamed when he realised the guy looked at him longingly... Later, we went into Hugo Boss and yes, his lil old tart, some guy he once fancied was there and as usual tried to sell him something. Friends told me he was merely selling him an item for the commision but come on, you can tell he was not only aiming for his back pocket but in the meantime hit the zipper as well right?

Don't get me wrong. I am not placing the blame on him. John has been the sweetest boyfried and I sincerely believe that he is not one of 'those' guys who would opt for an open relationship but the question lies on the fact whether are all men, just men? Are all men subjected to their raging testosterone that incapacitates them to hold it in? And the pressing question is...are all men born to be unable to stay monogamous? Monogamy... is it worth the holding in?

I am not changing my views that I want to have a monogamous relationship but in a gay relationship, being monogamous is a challenge in itself. Society has termed it to a sense where straight = monogamous and gay=polygamy. It is not unheard of the term open relationship but do such relationships really do exist? It is a struggle to keep sane at times wondering if a temptress (or in our context a tempter-ess) would one day stroll into our lives and separate us. However, isn't that the same as well for straight couples? Don't we all at the end of the day struggle the same thing?

For me, after John and I talked about it, we did come to a conclusion that relationships are built on trust. Easier said than done, trust encompasses faith, which in the bible did describe as 'believing in something you don't see' but I have to add in the fact too that faith IS believing in something we DO see. We see it in the acts and conducts but the tough part is in the absence of something that we can use as collateral to trust, we lose faith. So trust... to have faith or not, that is the question?

I am faithful!!!

Or am I not?

Choices?

It is interesting how some people really think that being gay is a choice. It is interesting that people think we can grow out of it like some sort of addiction or some bad habit we could kick off. Being gay is not like going through puberty and it sometimes agitates me that the people closest to you cannot understand nor comprehend what I have been through albeit being with you through out your life.

It was just a lazy Monday afternoon in which was a public holiday and my mum and I with a few other family members went out for a late lunch. As usual, we would be chatting and the topic of an old bar counter being transferred to my house rendered me to comment that it should only be shifted into the house when I move out. From there, we started to debate about me moving out and why they think I shouldn't.

The debate went into a debacle and soon I was saying I want my own space to do what I want to do not being subjected to my family being present and there it sparked my mum's rage to say "You just want to move out so that you can do those disgusting things you do. I am giving you a few years to mature and change but don't you know what you are doing is bad and you must understand you are chinese and being the eldest son, you have responsibilities"

I can't help but wonder what has all this being the merits of me not moving out. Does she really think that one could conform into being not gay due to maturity? Is it just an issue of being childish in wanting to be subjected to the very natural sexual desires I have.

The interesting part was she said they placed so much hopes into me and that they have high expectations. But the question remains... is being gay equivalent to not having a good job, not having a normal life or rather a quality life as the chinese would demand. And what is so different about being gay? We eat the same food, go to malls and shop, wear male garments (except we have better fashion sense) and we do everything a male, and in some cases, some alpha males do. The only difference is in the inside, just the sexual desire of wanting a man, instead of a woman.

If I may put it as so, it is almost like having a PC and a Mac. No difference being both are computers but the internal hard drive and the way the software work differs. It doesn't mean that if it does not run Windows it is bad. It is all about embracing the Mac's way and you will see it is not that different after all... We still need to recharge and reboot. We can still upload and download. The only difference is that it runs on a different software (or hardware)

Things will cool down eventually but I hope my mother sees that its not about not mentioning things and the fact that we are going to keep everything under rug swept and it will remain that way. It is sad that she cannot accept this but which mother could? I envy those friends who have mother's who could accept them with open arms but as for mine, I still love her. Just takes a while for her to love me, being who I am....

And now I long to belt out I am what I am... from La Cage Aux Folles...

*********************

On a separate note, I realised too that despite my mother being so discouraging, my relationship has also been experiencing some shake ups. John (my BF, lets not call him Donnie Love anymore...He doesn't like it!) and I had a row due to me being very unreasonable on two separate occasions. I can be ultra melodramatic being the drama king (some say queen) in me. But he did the most romantic thing... it was when I walked away he grabbed me and hugged me on the main road where our lil argument had been and he didn't let me go... Yes yes, very much of the type you see in Hong Kong Tele-series where at that moment they play music that seemed like there is hope for the two main cast to reunite... well, it was about there and of course then there were some hot make up after...

I love you my Jonjon... from your wongwong...

Yes... Thats what we call ourselves... Don't be Jealous... Humphh....

...and people... Remember to stock up yeah!!!

And just after 10 months...

It has been the longest time since I have an urge to blog. To begin with, after my last post, I didn't know why I blogged and more importantly... who for? I realised at that time I was merely blogging as it was the latest gay fad in town. No doubt, I have met many wonderful friends along the journey and picked up some life lessons about people, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Today, as innocently as I received a mail on facebook that calls for the need to read a blog, I saw my blog being tagged and it has been 10 months since I last blogged. So I decided its time to pay my blog a lil visit. How I laughed at all that I have written in a short span of a year. Most of it were just me ranting about how pathetic life has treated me but looking back, my last 10 months were just amazing.

Well, for one, I did what I have always wanted to do. I performed in a musical. One called Kaki Blue. Not so blue, or perhaps pretty blue, it was a musical about National Service and the best part, I got to play one of the lead role. It was exhilarating and I loved every moment of it. And around the same time, I met Donnie. Thats a pseudonym of course yet, I was told someone used to call him "Donnie Darling" which is much to my distaste. And it has lasted a beautiful 7 months this coming friday.

And of course life goes on, American Idol again and Exams yet again but I have just realised that things did change a little. I didn't grow any taller and still none the wiser but I think I have learned about myself a little bit more, to love my life a little bit more and perhaps a lil more mature than I used to be. And that is all for now...

You Wanna Talk About Consumerism With Me Bitch?

The last few days were nothing but busy for me as I unwillingly worked past the three gruelling days at the travel fair. Working at such fairs, you get to see people of all shapes and sizes, you see the cute and the very uncute guys as well as a budding trend of sugar daddies and also very gay/bi boyfriends who brought their very blur girlfriends... However, all of them have one thing in common. Since the standard of expectation by travellers from Malaysia are demandingly high and with most of them unwilling to pay even an extra single ringgit (not even dollar), there is only one word to describe them... CHEAP!

In the midst of all the visitors, we find an alarming growth of people who, are capable of displaying disturbing behaviour during the purchase...

Specimen 1.
Stats: good looking, 6 foot guy with braces. Brought extremely ugly girlfriend (Yes, I exaggerated but if I were straight I wouldn't have dated her as well!)

S1: How mush is the price to Taipei?
Eve (Our staff): RMXXX
S1: How come this price? Can reduce?
Eve: Its promo price (such a dimwit)
S1:Ok I cum bek!

(Moments later)

S1: How much to Taipei?
Amie (Another staff): RMXXY
S1:Why different?
Just now is RMXXX now RM XXY?

(argue, argue, argue.... Until aunt came to handle him)

S1: How come prices are so different? You quote me twice and different price?
Aunt: No... The taxes for air tickets fluctuate based on currency... Eve quoted you based on yesterday's tax price while Amie checked the most recent...

(Then made big hoo-haa about us not being professional and all...)

A: We all make mistakes, we can't be going round updating it every moment of the day now can we? It is stated that airport taxes are subjected to change. When we issue the ticket is when we can give you the actual price to pay. The ticket fare however remains the same.
S1: No la... I think you all are cheaters...

(sheepishly he asks...)

S1: So is it because of colour?
Aunt: Sir, are you discriminating? (This dimwit is Chinese and so are all who is involved)
S1: Nola, just joking (at this point GF is glaring at him...)
Aunt: But I like it, you see, we all make mistakes... We are not perfect, we try to make up for our inadequacy but at the end, we just wanna have a chance to change things and make it right. We quoted you one price but we always rectify when we check with the system. At the fair with the crowd asking at random, we must find a quick way of disseminating information. You will get the actual price at the end when you place a booking...
(Shied into his seat)

Oh, and you wanna know how much the difference between RMXXX and RMXXY?

RM3.00

Specimen 2
Stats: Mid 40s. Woman. Ugly as hell and has the worst hairstyle! Brought son (I damn kesian him for having this mother

S2: Ok. Now i want to book. (All the tickets are booked and as I was about to collect payment from her...) eh, I wanna see your terms and conditions first! (Reads the terms...Crazy? I don't think crazy fits but manic... probably)

She finally paid but
S2: I wanna see your credit card machine! (WTF? You think I have some gadget to cheat her off her money is it
After the transaction
S2: Got free gift?
Me: Yes, you can visit the tourism board of XXX to collect your free travel bag.

5 Minutes later...

S2: No more bags... They ran out of stock... (And what you want me to do?)
Me: Sorry, but we can't do anything
S2: Your company give me travel bag la...
Me: Our company don't give out travel bags. If you are not satisfied, you can complain to the tourism board.
S2: But I bought the tour from you... you must give me...Its not fair... (What you thinking woman...)
Me: But it is while stocks last madam.
S2: I want to cancel. I don't want to go.
Me: All for the fact that there is no free gift?
S2: You cheated me.
Me: (Pissed and damn stern) Please watch what you are saying here. I didn't cheat you. The bags ran out and this applies to everyone who bought a tour to XXX. You came here to buy a tour... (Not to get free gift!)
(Son pulls her off and apologised...)

At 9pm, she called me on my cell...
S2: I want to cancel my tour. I want my money back.
Me: Can. But your deposit will be forfeited.
S2: How can... I didn't travel and it's only a few hours (She thinks got time limit to cancel)
Me: Once I made your booking, the airlines receives it and would block your seat already. Once they confirmed your seat just now, they will charge no matter what.
S2: I call the Consumer court, they say can...
Me: Trust me Madam, we have so many cases there and most of it, we won, stop wasting time.
S2: How can... I don't care... I don't want to travel.
Me: But when you made your booking, you even read the terms and conditions and signed the form...
S2: I don't wanna argue anymore...

Such a bitch I tell you... These people are those who are making this business to be so "Cheap"!

Huh... Can't wait till the day I don't have to help out anymore... Argghhhh....

If I Was a Superstar...

Yeah yeah... Who said it's original but I did it anyway!

To bring to life what might have become if I was in a rock band (Hahaha...) all you have to do is...
1 - Go to Wikipedia. Hit “random”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Quotations Page and select "random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to Flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use Photoshop, GIMP, Inkscape, or similar to put it all together.

And viola...

Columbia Hills presents... "Vigorous Writing is Concise"

Will it go platinum?

And the Top 12... Opps13 is...

With a lil twist towards the end, we now have 13 contestants for the very first time on American Idol! The lucky 4 who made it pass Wildcard was Jasmine, Matt, Megan and Anoop. I wanted Ricky and/or Jesse instead of Jasmine but pahh...she wont last.